The sadness is back, along with frustration (and probably stress). Have you ever had something happen to you that you just can’t tell anyone? And then, in order to keep it a secret, you have to come up with a few white lies that somehow turn into these big elaborate stories (that people actually believe)??? Well, maybe you haven’t had the same experience…I’m quite abnormal this way.
I’ve made up my mind (since March) that I am DEFINITELY leaving this year. And since then, I realized I’d been subconsciously pushing everyone away, because I know how attached most of them have become to me and my thinking was that if I appeared to not want to be with them, the goodbyes wouldn’t be so hard to do. Well, being the quiet and introverted person that I am, I obviously don’t have enough experience with this whole ‘friendship’ and ‘socializing’ thing. Obviously, I hurt some of them…but most of them seemed to have new friends/made new friends easily anyway. (That kinda hurt me, though…but it’s ok. Easier to say goodbye, right?) My mentality was like “I don’t wanna have friends ‘coz I’ll have so much baggage in the end” and “once I get back to Manila, I can RESTART all over again”. Sigh…I really wish I didn’t do what I did. Well, my only wish now is that they understand what I was going through when I tell them at the end of the year (which is about 2 months away). If you’re one of these people, though I highly doubt it, I sincerely apologize. Look forward to brownies and farewell letters at the end of the year! (And/or money 😉 )
I guess it’s just one of those days for me…when I reflect on my life so far and feel embarrassed/ashamed/frustrated/regret for stupid things I’ve done. Makes me wanna facepalm so hard…or punch walls…tsk tsk, violence tendencies due to my frequent bottling up of emotions.
Anyways, that’s all for now. I have a Drawing project proposal to do, that was supposed to be handed in 3 weeks ago…whoops
Don’t be an Agnes!