DISCLAIMER: this post gets REALLY messy…I mean REALLY messy. You’ve been warned.
Feeling really drained lately. I don’t know why. I’ve been getting at least 8 hours of sleep, and I take ciestas(aka naps) on weekends for like hours at a time. I’ve been eating healthy–no soda or fast food at all–and exercising. (Well, I haven’t been taking my meds, but I haven’t done that in a LONG while so I doubt it’ll make a difference.) So I don’t know what’s wrong………..well, maybe I do…
This whole ‘leaving Singapore and this awesome school behind to restart a new, fresh life’ thing must be really getting to me. I’ve never felt so…ARRRGHHH…so hurt. I mean, first, my mom leaves, then I have to leave, but I’ve met such awesome people and go to this almost-as-awesome school…I hate this school, the people, the country sometimes, but sometimes they do things right that I would never change and am grateful for.
I get overwhelmed easily. And over-sensitive. And over-dramatic. And I worry too much. (I got it from my mom’s side of the family. But I don’t have it as bad as my mom though.) And also, I think too much, or rather, I have too much free time to think. And just FYI, I’m a bit of a tomboy sometimes. I like to hide my feelings, act tough, like everything’s alright, even when everything around me is crashing down. BUT IT’S NOT! (This is how I stay positive *wink*) I just tell myself, “You’ve just got to keep it together for a few more weeks man! Just study hard, do well for exams, stop handing things in weeks late, and you’ll do ok! Just hope and pray to God you pass the year and that better things are coming your way…” But it hurts SO MUCH!!! It’s like I wanna cry myself to sleep sometimes. I just feel like absolute SHIT sometimes. ARRRGHHH!!! I think I’m going bat-shit insane sometimes.
Here’s my other problem…I tend to be too…egotistical? I care too much about what other people think of me, you know? Who am I really? What have I done to make myself ‘known’ in the world so far? What can I do/say to make them think I’m ‘cool’? I end up making things up or over-exaggerating the truth. I have so many loose ends in this country, it’s no wonder I can’t wait to leave and start a new life. But at the same time, I kinda wanna settle the ones I can, IF I get up the courage to that is. I’m not the smoothest talker when it comes to telling the truth. And I don’t exactly have a way with words when it comes to talking to people seriously about serious things. I’m not really much of a talker in general…
I think I just need to take a breather…no, I shouldn’t! I have to catch up on homework while it’s still the holidays! NO, WAIT! That’s not right. UUUGHHH! Okay, shh…calm down. Stop making people think you’re a schizo. (I’m NOT!) I should go back to meditating actually. Have you ever tried that? It’s very nice, and relaxing. If not, play an instrument! It can be just as relaxing…unless you’re a noob and you get frustrated trying to learn a piece that you really REALLY wanna learn, but you can’t because you “don’t got what it takes”, and you can’t do anything about it, and–
Whoops! Sorry about that…off the pill + stress + depression + confusion…worst combination to make you feel your absolute shittiest…hehe. I guess I should stop here before it gets worse. Thanks for reading through all that.
Wish me luck! Exams are coming…the final stretch!