Why is it so hard to say “Goodbye”?

Hello friends,

So the school year here is coming to an end…exams are right around the corner, after which we have our various overseas school trips, and then, I think, some concluding lessons once we get back. I’ve already said my farewell to a couple of teachers. It was nice to see they were as affected and saddened by it as I was. Never thought/realized they really did care about us. Actually, right now, I’m in the middle of skipping a class.

(I’m sorry! It’s a bit of a habit I’ve developed…always skip the last lesson…I do get guilty, but just for a while.) [EDIT: turns out they ended the class early, and all they did was get candy]

I never thought I’d say this in the 4 years I’ve been at this school, but…I think I am really gonna miss these guys. I’ve anticipated my leaving in Year 4 since Year 1, so I came everyday determined NOT to make friends. Acquaintances, people to talk to about homework? Yes. But, good friends who I could hang with on the weekends? No, thanks. I didn’t want to get ‘attached’, you know? Unfortunately, although I never got attached to anyone myself, people have become attached to ME! Can you believe it? I’m actually ‘good-trustworthy-friend’ material?! I’d never heard of it.

Let’s be serious here, I am the absolute WORST friend you could ever hope to get…I’m not very loyal–I could stick to you for weeks, and then ditch you the next few weeks without reason, then come back to you. I’m a GREAT liar, and that takes A LOT of practice (so you can imagine)–I’ll make things up about where I’ve been, about me…but NEVER about others (I’m not a cold-hearted, cold-blooded, skanky bitch, okay?). And I will never think of you the same way you think of me–I’m not very good with this whole relationship thing, and showing affection and kindness, and whatever. I can be nice and friendly, yes, but that’s it. I won’t think of you as a friend. This may all sound horrible and vain and self-centered, but trust me, those who decided to think of me as their ‘best friend’ often end up in tears…I warned them not to get close, but it was too late. The only thing I could tell them is, “I’m sorry. Let me treat you to [insert favorite restaurant here]. You have lots of friends…I have none. Don’t cry about one who doesn’t even care about you, cry about the many who do.”

Do you know how many times I go for confession (at church) every year? It kills me, but this is how I’ve decided to be…Am I proud of it? Hell no! Do I wanna change? Hell yeah! But it still doesn’t fix the damage I’ve already caused…I really am truly sorry, guys! (if you’re reading this…though I highly doubt it.)

To those I’ve met, hurt, ‘befriended’, hung out with, shared many laughs and smiles with, studied with, got into trouble with throughout the 8 years I’ve been in this country, thank you. You were the reasons I even bother stepping out of the house every morning and showing myself to the world. Even if I never ‘hit it off’ with some of you, do know that I owe my life to each and every one of you. If not for you guys, I could be dead by now…(depression is a serious thing, kids.)

I think the class is over now…time to go seem like I had an alibi by popping down to the admin office.

Seriously, DON’T BE AN AGNES!


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