Super sorry I’ve been gone for so many months. School was out for me for so long that I got too bored to do anything for a long while 😦 And now that I’m in college, and having classes again, I’m still feeling a mixture of excitement, anxiety and boredom.
It’s my third month schooling back here in the Philippines, and so far I’ve had lows…and highs…and many many lows again. I don’t get it anymore. I mean, it’s definitely different here from Singapore.
Back in SG, no one asks me everyday if I’m doing fine, or hugs me and says, “Good morning”. I was kinda shocked (culture shocked?) by my classmates those first few weeks. Everyday, tirelessly greeting me and talking to me, a complete stranger to them, so cheerfully…as if we’ve known each other for a while. I have to be honest. I didn’t know how to react, so I didn’t do anything back. But they kept at it. And eventually, I got the hang of it 🙂
BUUUUT, in good ol’ fashioned ‘Agnes’ tradition, I have a problem. I hope I’ve posted enough on this blog for you to know that I only ever blog when something’s seriously wrong (or seriously right) in my life. So…here I go…
I may or may not have said a few wrong words to a classmate 2 weeks ago. I take full responsibility for that! My emotions were running high, I was off my meds for a few days, I was still adjusting to everything, and I was still new to the whole talking thing. But she took it really well though…like she was totally not phased by it, and I respect her for that. The next day though, I came in wanting to act normal, but for some reason, I couldn’t. I swear to you, I tried, but I really couldn’t control myself 😦 Later that day, I was feeling more myself, but I could see that damage had been done 😥 I totally fucked it up…and I hate myself for that.
The next week, I tried to start things off right by treating the class to drinks at a beloved cafe. I was actually having second thoughts about it after what happened, but I didn’t wanna bring the mood down any further, esp. since I was pretty sure that she had told someone else about it already. Anyways, so I was getting everyone to order and when it came to her turn, she refused. A few of her closest friends refused as well. I’ll admit, even as I write this, I feel my blood boiling again. I got a bit angry, but I managed to defuse myself and not let it mean anything to me at the time. BUT THEN, they (those who refused) left for what seemed like forever. I later found out that they went to another establishment across the street (on the pretense that they wanted to have a full meal, and that they were really shy). I mean, like…I got mad at first. Then I got sad…and I started to think about how I fucked everything up, how dire the consequences seem to be, and how I’ll never fix this before the end of the year 😥
They came back to the same cafe, but they sat at the other far end of the table, along with pretty much the rest of the class, and started huddling and whispering. I knew right then and there that she had told everyone something was wrong, and possibly showed them the actual messages I had sent her. At that moment, I just felt absolutely dreadful, and hopeless. I was just so…devastated…The days that followed, none of them were ever the same again. Gone were the smiles, the cheerful greetings in the morning, and the hugs and kisses goodbye…Whenever I came near the group, it would feel like they were pushing me away, or ignoring me. I do get the occasional smile and “hello”…but it’s nothing like before. I would say we’re more like strangers now than we were during orientation week.
It’s a new week…and there’s still no progress. I’ve already lost hope that there ever will be any progress at this stage of…whatever it is that’s happening. I’m too exhausted at this point. It’s college, and I’ve grown to become a bit of a slacker. I get an average of 4 hours of sleep every night, and projects that pile up to the ceiling every week. This could be a gone case, guys…
Anywho, thank you so much if you read through my whole rant. I appreciate it. I really do. Pray for me, if you think I deserve your prayers…I’m sad to say that I’ve lost faith. If life had a redo button, I would start with my high school years and (re)work my way back from there. But alas, there is no such thing 😦
Wish me luck (?),