I’m afraid I can’t write too much today, since I’ve got lots of stuff to do for tomorrow. “Why am I writing at all?”, you ask. Well, this couldn’t wait, so here goes…
I’m now extremely ashamed and disappointed with myself. I just feel so embarrassed all the time now…like, I almost don’t wanna leave the house anymore due to sheer embarrassment. ALMOST! I’ve done that before, and I don’t wanna be that kind of person again. I told myself I’d change this year, but it seems like the more I try, I become something much worse 😦
It’s just frustrating. I genuinely want to ask them things, talk to them about random shit, and hang out with them again…but when the opportunity presents itself, why don’t I feel like saying, “OMG, YES! ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY! I MISS YOU GUYS SO FUCKING MUCH YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE IT!”??? Because, I swear to you, that’s what I would tell them if they still acted the way they did before everything went downhill (‘coz of me btw). I just feel like they know I’m there, but they’ve stopped caring. I guess, with my attitude and behavior, it’s expected…Again, like I’ve told myself a million times, I’m a coward, an idiot, a complete jerk. Regrets, regrets, and more regrets.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Does everything I say sound mean to them now? I wish I’ve had more practice with socializing with other people…I wish at least one of them would tell me what my problem/s is/are, so I can try and fix it! I wish they would tell me what they wanna hear from me, what they want me to do, and what they have been feeling towards me…because I honestly don’t know what I’ve done anymore. And I am seriously frustrated and confused and depressed and many other things…
Sigh…I guess I could do what the cowardly me has been doing for soooooo long…I could just…give up? I’m being so dramatic about this, I know. But I can’t seem to help it…this is me for ya. In need of some extreme attitude over-hauling over here! Know anyone? PLEASE, I BEG YOU! PLEASE TEACH ME HOW TO STOP BEING SO COWARDLY AND DRAMATIC! TEACH ME WHAT TO SAY AND WHAT NOT TO SAY IN DELICATE SITUATIONS! TELL ME HOW TO PHRASE THINGS SO THEY DON’T SOUND MEAN OR WHATEVER….huhuuhuhuhuhhuhuuhuhuhuuuuuu 😥
Urgh…I just wanna get on with life, but this little ‘nothing’ of a mess comes to ruin everything…freakin’ just like last year all over again. The things that transpired last year probably messed me up so much that I’m always gonna be this messed up now.
Anyways, gotta go…lots’a stuff to do, so little time. And I keep falling asleep randomly (it sucks). Thanks for listening to another rant. It’s nice to get things out of my system once in a while.
Don’t be me…ever!