Hey guys! Happy 2016!!!
So, I’m halfway through my first year of college and it’s almost time to apply for a new school ‘coz I’m really not feeling it at my current school (or rather, I’m feeling way too strongly against everything at my current school). I don’t know if it’s because of the people I hang with, who are just so URGH, or the course I’m doing, Fine Arts, which is what I’ve been doing for pretty much my whole life and is honestly getting a little routine/repetitive/redundant due to having come from a specialized art school.
Ok, guys, so here’s my dilemma.
Since I was about 5 years old, I wanted to be a doctor. Why? Well, I really wanted to help people, and be able to solve their problems. I’m 18 now and since then, I’ve refined that dream and changed it to psychologist or counselor. Not that I get squeamish around blood or guts (I don’t), I realized over the years that it’s what I’ve been to a lot of people, and they seem to like hanging with me for that purpose. They come to me, the quietest girl in class, and they vent out to me. One of them said I’m like a sponge, absorbing their anger, frustration and sadness from them. I occasionally did give advice or suggestions, but I often just listened quietly. I still do this now actually. I keep secrets really well, aka I’m a good liar, aka I’m a bit of a con-artist. Also, I realized I still wanna help people solve their problems, and it seems I’m really good at being a listening ear that absorbs negative feelings from them. I’m not burdened easily, so don’t worry (even though I was born in the year of the ox).
Anyways, I still want to pursue that dream. But every time I talk about shifting or transferring to Psychology, my parents are like,”Are you sure? As long as you’re sure, we’ll support you…But what about your fine arts? Aren’t you gonna finish? You know, medicine’s gonna be hard? Blah blah blah stories about friends and relatives blah blah.” And my current classmates in Fine Arts say, after laughing their asses off,”That is so far from fine arts! Just stick with fine arts, man! You’re so good at it already! What are you even thinking?” It’s because of these kinds of reactions that make me want to just comply and conform, just so they shut up and stop ridiculing me. I mean, first off, questioning me means they doubt me, right? They don’t think I can do it? Because I’ve thought about this for a long time, and I’m prepared enough. Second, saying I’m uber good at fine arts just reassures me that my skills are good enough that I don’t need a degree in fine arts to make a living out of it. Plus, I have a certificate of merit from my former school, a specialized ARTS school that is recognized internationally!
Ok, ok, so being an extremely quiet introvert, I overthink a lot of things, and I also often take everything to heart. All the anger I feel towards those people may be over-dramatic of me, but come on! There’s obviously a lot of doubt there, or even jumping to conclusions, ‘coz no one really knows who I am and what I can really do except for me. If they think I’m so good at this whole fine arts thing, then they’ll all drop like flies when I start actually putting in effort, but I’m too lazy for that.
I don’t know, guys. Maybe my anger and frustration is just bottling up inside of me with the others that I’ve absorbed…You know? I wish someone would listen to me, and actually understand what I’m saying. I bet that feels great, when someone is genuinely interested and listening to you vent and pour your heart out? But I don’t have anyone like that. I just have this blog, that no one reads anyway…
Well, thanks for reading another rant. A sincere ‘thank you’ to people who actually read my entries. I mean it. When you’ve lived solo for this long, you’ll mean it too.