To the friend I treated unfairly

Dear B,

I miss you so much.

7 years ago, I ruined everything.  I don’t know why I said those things.  I was just a stupid little kid; temperamental, easily jealous, incapable of making sane decisions.

I regret everything I did to you.  I was the worst friend ever.

You were the first real friend I had, and you helped me get through my first couple of years in a foreign country.  I don’t ever recall being homesick when I was with you.

Ever since what happened with you, I’ve struggled accepting new people into my life.  I’m always worrying if the things I do and say with my current peers are the right things to say and do in a friendship (or any kind of relationship).  I worry sometimes that I’m not good enough, that they could do better.  I worry that they’ll just disappear again, like you.

The first few months after the incident, I tried to act like nothing was wrong.  Luckily, no one really asked about us–why you were giving me the cold shoulder, why we didn’t take the bus together anymore even though we were practically neighbors, why you’re whole family avoided us at church.  Just stares and whispers, rumors, daggers behind smiles.  It killed something inside me.

I became more withdrawn than I’d ever been, more self-conscious, more self-doubting.  Unfortunately, I have this incredible talent of being able to forgive easily but never forgetting.

I’ve carried this burden through the years.  I try not to think about everything, and I don’t.  But once in a blue moon, you pop back into my mind.

Your bright, contagious smile that spreads from ear to ear, that snort-laugh you do when I told jokes, those times we got away with something at school, and that amazing brain you have that you use to tutor your own siblings.  You are so cool and such a good person.  Your parents should be proud to have raised a daughter like you.  I have no doubt that you will go on to do great things.  I never doubted.  Perhaps this was why I decided let you keep your distance…you didn’t need someone like me holding you down honestly speaking.

B, I am so sorry.  Words can no longer express how sorry I am.  I deserved everything I had coming.

I wish I had heard something from you by now though.  7 years, B.  I pushed through all the judgment, the rumors you spread, and the friends you turned against me.  They took a massive toll on me and my mental state.  All those teachers, guidance counsellors and peers that kept approaching me or asking if I was alright…but I just kept quiet.

I’ve stayed quiet for so long.  Afraid that I’ll say the wrong things again.  Afraid to even try.

Can I please hear something from you?  Anything?  I miss your voice.  I miss your laugh, and that smile that’s no longer dampened by those cobalt blue braces.  And your big, smiling eyes that never failed to cheer up my mornings even behind your glasses.

I miss you so much, but I hope that after all these years, you’ve had a wonderful and happy life, or at least a much better one than if I were in it.

I hope I did the right thing by letting you run away from me.

Love,
Agnes De Jesus
Your ‘fake’ friend

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