Emptiness

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnddddd I’m back, guys!

[Just thought I’d post something real quick.  Oh, and btw, I’ve been getting so much traffic from IG ever since I put a link to this blog on my profile…cool beans.  Thanks, random strangers who may or may not be stalkers.]

I can’t help but feel that I’ve ruined my life on so many levels, and I continue to ruin it even though I’m fully aware how I’m ruining it.  I just think about things too much, and it leads me to come up with these bewildering and often stupid conclusions.

I wish it could stop.  I wish I could stop.  I wish everything would JUST.  STOP.  I need to take a breather…from life.  Not even long weekends and holidays give me the rest I need anymore.  I feel like everything is just so draining.

I’ve stopped talking to good people, who I was beginning to actually consider as really close friends, perhaps even best friends – a term I swore to never use again after my other flaky ‘best’ friends before.  I miss them, and I know it’s not too late…but why can’t I just do it?  Literally nothing is stopping me.  And in this day and age of super high-tech, everything is literally a mouse click away.

Then there’s the matter of a couple of loose ends I never managed to…tie up?  God, I went back twice, and I didn’t do anything about it!  I am a bitch, aren’t I?  Why did I honestly think…I mean, did I actually think I had…URGH!!!  I just can’t, ugh.  Why do I even care?  No, I don’t care but…I can’t let go of them.  I feel empty without them.  I wish I could make things right right now.  But I feel like even if I had the chance, I wouldn’t take it because I wouldn’t even have the guts to say the things that I need to say.

I’m being eaten up by a past that I’ve tried so hard to leave behind and forget.  But I tried to do so way too soon and way too fast that everything is just coming back up now in droves.  Meanwhile, people from my past are slowly drifting away anyway and dealing with their own shit, and I’m left mourning the past that they’ve probably long forgotten or put aside.

I try to look towards the future, but all I see is a thick fog.  I don’t foresee anything good, but I don’t foresee anything bad.  It’s like I’m stuck in a purgatory of my own creation that I can only face alone, since it only exists for me.  I can’t go back and face my past because there’s nothing to go back to now (as I realized when I went back recently), and I can’t face my future because I haven’t been doing anything in the present to help secure it (as seen in my constant internal conflicts about several aspects of my poor life decisions right now).

Oh, god, and now I’m sounding like a solipsist bastard.

Long story long, I’ve missed blogging about random shit and having no one read it.  I have no friends to talk to or lean on, since I’ve randomly chosen to abandon them all and refuse to make new ones.  And my family members, people I’ve lived with for almost 20 years, no longer listen to anything I say because apparently they’ve learned to just nod and not give a fuck about whatever I’m saying.

I’m a quiet little girl, at school and at home.  Been this way for pretty much my whole life.  I’m sure there are very damaging psychological effects to this, but then again, who cares about little old me?  No one’s gonna listen or take me seriously since I’m just some dipshit who acts like a mute dumbass all the time.

Me me me, I I I, my life my life my life.  Ooh, feel pity for me, feel sorry for me, pretty pretty please.  Gosh, I sound so whiny…

Sorry for this disgustingly self-absorbed post.  But I regret nothing.  I needed this.  Better here than in my parents’ or professors’ faces, right?

(hopefully)

Good. Sweet. Night.

Agnes

 

 

 

 

 

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